me throughout the year: if only i could justify buying this Thing :/ Maybe christmas or my birthday.
my mom: give me a list of things you want for christmas/your birthday
me: i have never wanted for anything ever in my entire life
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“The only thing I can sustain within other people is fascination. I will seemingly crave love, affection and attention, but I will always push it away once I get it. If not immediately then soon after. I give up on people easily. I move around. Things get heavy if you stay in one place and I can’t risk feeling like a failure. I guess I’m afraid of “real emotions” or something but it feels different. Because I care, so much. About everyone. But that doesn’t stop me from abandoning things. Sometimes I leave and it takes me so long to realize I cared about someone. Sometimes I leave and pick up friendships years later. Sometimes I wish there was someone consistent who could look at me and tell me I’m not a bad person. But that’s an impossible wish. I guess I could tell myself that. But it’s much harder. And not as convincing. I can’t understand how one person can be full of so many contradictions and how you can want something so bad and once you get it, it almost repulses you and how things can seem better only after you’ve pushed them away, after you have destroyed them. Once you’ve made it clear you don’t want it, It’s taken from you and all you want is it back again. You can’t believe someone thought to take it from you. And you’re angry about it. You think “How dare you follow through? How dare you accommodate? How dare you not read between the lines? Can’t you see that I’m bluffing? Can’t you see this is all an act? Can’t you see I care more than you’ll ever know? Why don’t you feel it? I don’t feel it either. And it’s killing me.”
— (I don’t want to push you away)
2 years later and it still gives me goosebumps